July 2010 – Shannon Ozirny

Jon Hamm for Mr. Popper

Dr. Dre once said that he is “still not loving police.” Well, I’m still not loving the idea of a Mr. Popper’s Penguins movie. On a seemingly unrelated note, the fourth season of Mad Men starts this weekend. I think there’s something here…

Let me begin by admitting that my attitude towards children’s books being turned into movies is best described as “hypocritical curmudgeon.” I’m one of those people who usually thinks kids books are best left as kids books: The live action How The Grinch Stole Christmas movie left me teary-eyed in anger and I can’t even talk about the Where The Wild Things Are movie without going on an extended enraged tirade. Yet, I think Hawley Pratt’s 1971 animated The Cat in the Hat is brilliant while most find it creepy and weird (Daws Butler as Mr. Krinklebein is spot on and Geisel and Chuck Jones produced it! How can you not be into that!?). But, as usual, I digress.

Not surprisingly, I am wholeheartedly against the Mr. Popper’s Penguins movie. Or, to be more precise, the 2012 Mr. Popper’s Penguins movie (who knew there was one in 1987?) While I realize that much cinematic hi-jinx can ensue when you put penguins in a basement, I just can’t stand to see one of my all-time favourite books follow in the footsteps of the likes of Mike Myers and The Cat in the Hat. Plus, The Horn Book said that the book “is more fun than twenty-five movies.” How can you beat that?

But I’m a realist. I know that Hollywood will not heed my plaintive whimpers. I realize that I need to change my approach. Instead of whining about it, I need to take action. This movie is going to get made, and if it’s going to get made, there is only one man I trust with the sacred role:

Yes, I think Hammy would make the perfect Pops. And like any good English 100 student, I have already anticipated your objections and am ready to convince you.

He’s too put together. Mr. Popper is sort of delightfully rumpled and painterly in the book.

But Hammy can look delightfully rumpled/scruffy too! Look!

ScruffyHammy — Okay, so he looks a BIT like a guy who would ask you for money outside a liquor store here, but you have to admit there's potential...

Jon Hamm isn’t kid friendly. Mom friendly, yes. But not kid friendly.

Oh, really? Just look at this face!

Doesn’t that just scream kid-friendly? What’s that? You think he looks a bit creepy here? Well, that’s perfect! Mr. Popper has just a touch of creepy/zany about him (he does have an obsession with reading about cold climates and keeps penguins in his basement).

Aren’t you biased? Isn’t Jon Hamm second on the list of famous people you want to marry (after JFK Jr. and before Paul Newman in Cat On a Hot Tin Roof)?

You got me there.

Jon Hamm isn’t funny.

But he is funny! He really is! Just listen to him tell the story of how Regis Philbin stalks him! (at the 1:00 mark)

There are currently three other actors in serious consideration for the role: Jim Carrey, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson (Ben Stiller used to be, but now he’s apparently out). Boo-urns to all these guys.

The Press Association made a very astute comment, saying that, depending on the actor/director combo, the movie could either be ” a soul-searching metaphor movie or a kid-friendly comedy packed with animal jokes.” If Carrey or Black do the role, it will turn into one of those overly-raucous, way-too-loud blockbusters where humour is achieved via penguins peeing on the carpet. If Owen Wilson does it, things could get a bit too introspective and weird. And if Ben Stiller does it, it will just be Night at the Museum with some penguin trainers tacked onto the credits. Hamm could bring something inbetween, methinks, with a health dose of old-fashioned kitsch and plenty of pomade.

In my final plea, I have created this highly-detailed, realistic simulation for your consideration:

So, I hope you will consider supporting me in the cause: Jon Hamm for Mr. Popper – 2012.

Frog and Toad: The Fan Debate Book (all rights reserved)

I Heart Daily recently interviewed Michelle Pan, a 20 year old Twi-hard who oversees BellaAndEdward.com and wrote the “fan debate book,” Bella Should Have Dumped Edward.

According to Pan, this is what a fan debate book looks like:

I asked many questions relating to the controversial topics in the Twilight saga and fans submitted their responses. I then compiled them into a book and wrote my own opinions on the topics.

A fan debate book!? I want to write a fan debate book!

And you know who are just begging for a fan debate book? THESE GUYS:

That’s right. Frog and Toad need a fan debate book.

I spent a truly mind-boggling amount of time with Frog and Toad whilst writing my thesis on easy readers and came up with a lot of questions in the process – questions that would set the stage for one heckuva fan debate book.

Does Frog serve as a gentle motivator or is he just a big jerk sometimes?

Frog does lots of nice things. He fulfills Toad’s lifelong dream of receiving mail by sending him a letter, he coaxes him out of hibernation, and he buys him a hat that fits. But when Toad clearly wants to have a cookie binge, Frog throws all the cookies out to the birds. In “Shivers,” Frog won’t even tell Toad if a ghost story is true. And, in the jerkiest move of all, Frog breaks their routine in “Alone” leaving Toad to worry that he has been abandoned by the only other talking amphibian in the forest (more on that later).

Does Toad suffer from a mental illness?

The signs are all there. In “Spring,” he doesn’t want to get out of bed (same with in “Tomorrow”). In “The Dream,” he has a seriously messed up dream with some pretty intense imagery involving theatrics and a shrinking Frog. In “The List,” he is rendered useless when he loses the missive he wrote to himself. Depression? Delusions? OCD? This is the stuff fan debate books are made of.

Where are their shirts?

Frog and Toad where pants, belts and blazers, but no shirts. WHY?

How can they participate in winter activities?

Just like Edward and his vampire pals, Frog and Toad are cold-blooded. Or is it that Edward doesn’t have any blood? I don’t know. The point is that both Edward and Frog/Toad require special living conditions due to biology. But, if Frog and Toad are cold-blooded, and hibernate in the winter, what the dang are they doing up and about in “Christmas Eve” and “Down the Hill?”

Do Frog and Toad drift apart by Book Four (Days With Frog and Toad)?

This is a real tough one – it would warrant a whole chapter, for sure. In “Alone,” the final chapter in Frog and Toad’s saga, Frog drops a bombshell, leaving this note on his door for Toad:

Dear Toad,

I am not at home.

I went out.

I want to be alone.

Frog

HARSH.

Toad freaks out, finds Frog, and they mend fences when Frog says that he just wanted a bit of alone time – nothing permanent. The story then ends with the most brilliant line of all time: “They were two close friends sitting alone together.”

But are fences really mended? Has there been irreparable damage to their friendship? Did this incident prove that Frog is really the one calling the shots in the friendship? I’m telling you – the only way we’re ever going to get to the bottom of this is with a fan debate book.

So, I just thought I’d put it out there. I don’t want a nasty Harry Potter-esque lawsuit on my hands when someone inevitably tries to make it big on the Frog and Toad enigma.

Forget Team Edward and Team Jacob. It’s all about Team “I don’t think they wear shirts because it interferes with their natural cooling systems” and Team “I don’t think the store that they buy their little amphibian clothes at even sells shirts.”

What do the Newbery and Stephenie Meyer Have In Common?

The Children’s Bookshelf peeps at Publishers Weekly recently tweeted this Huffington post article on Grammar Pet Peeves. The list contains the fairly standard horrors of affect/effect, its/it’s, etc. and it got me thinking about the two children’s lit misspellings that keep me awake at night.

The first, and most bone-chillingly infuriating, is the misspelling of Newbery. If I had a dime for everytime I saw Mr. N spelt wrong, I’d likely have enough money to hire Neil Gaiman to come speak at a private event.

John most often has his surname butchered in two ways.

1. “Newbury”

GaimanNewbury — Even Neil Gaiman is not immune to the power of the Newbery typo!!!

NewburyAmazon — "Hey kids, let's go to the libury for a Newbury award winning book!"

2. “Newberry”

“Stephanie Meyer”

Stephenie Meyer is what I call a “tooth brushing author,” meaning I harbor neither overwhelmingly strong hatred nor overwhelmingly strong love for her or her work. Reading Twilight was like brushing my teeth – it was a necessity that left me feeling rather neutral and blaze. M’eh.

But what does leave me in a cold sweat of rage is the misspelling of her name. I don’t know why, but it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard. And it’s one thing if you’re a teenager on a Twlight message board, fervently arguing the merits of Team Jacob, but it is quite another if you are one of Canada’s most popular and respected newspapers:

StephanieMeyer — COME ON! The giant picture of the book cover is right there, exposing your nasty typo ways, National Post!

And People magazine did it too!

There are many more examples but my blood pressure can’t take it. I know that we are all human and that this blog is probably riddled with typos, but I thought it was my duty to show you this horrifying underbelly of the children’s/YA literature world. This will also be the only time Stephenie Meyer and Newbery are ever mentioned in the same sentence.

I would also like to point out that there are some instances where children’s literature-related typos are positively inevitable. For instance, when you are spelling John Scieszka. Even if I am copying his name directly from a book cover, I will always spell it wrong. The same goes for Canadian YA author Shelley Hrdlitschka. It is common knowledge that the most fertile typo breeding ground is created when an s is paired side-by-side with a c. Throw a z or a k/h in there and you’re up the creek.